In my role in Human Resources, I am often required to amend company policy as it pertains to employees as circumstances change. With polling data continuing to show Obama with a lead over McCain, I have been working to modify certain policies based upon the potential outcome of the election.
As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama is officially elected into office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in line with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:
1. All sales people will be pooling their sales and bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a "fair shake."
2. All low level workers will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help those who are "too busy for overtime" to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.
3. All top management will now be referred to as "the government." We will not participate in this "pooling" experience because the law doesn't apply to us.
4. The "government" will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging it's workers to continue to work hard "for the good of all."
5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's "good to spread the wealth." Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more "patriotic."
6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't feel bad, though, because President Obama will give you free health care, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your mortgage.