June 25, 2007

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally; Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

2 comments:

Reaganite said...

The large majority of these funny, but very possible headlines of the future, may just happen because the government doesn't "know its role". The government isn't here to hold our hands through every moment of our lives. In fact, the government is meant to play a very limited role in our lives, thereby giving us the freedom to live our lives as we please, with the added benefit of living in a society protected by the government. The Federal government needs to gets its nose out of issues meant to be left to the individual states and perform its only REAL duties of managing interstate commerce and international affairs. At the same time, the states need to stop infringing on our civil rights with government program on top of government program, thereby ensuring equal freedom for all its citizens.

President Ronald Reagan knew the correct role of government and worked towards putting the government 'back in its place'. Now its our turn to 'step to the plate' and get things back 'on the right track, before we are 'up the creek without a paddle'.



"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
---Ronald Reagan

Clark Griswold said...

Some extremely unfortunate add ons:

-Any reference to "Christmas" in a public circle by an American citizen lands them a minimum sentence of sixty days in prison.

-Just four years removed from her latest jail stint, Paris Hilton is elected Governer of California (Or Mexifornia if you will).

-The New York Times is now the sole newspaper circulated in the country.

-Illegal Aliens in America now represent more than 50% of the total population.

-It is now illegal to reference the Constitution in any American court.

-Michael Moore produces his latest documentary...He is now finally praising the United States, as his secular-progressive dreams are becoming a reality.

Finally; Washington, Madison, Hamilton, Adams, and all of our founding fathers are turning in their graves and shaking their heads down upon us if this truly is what America becomes just over two short decades from today.